on becoming more selfish

So many of my issues seem to stem from my relationship with my brother.

I know that I contribute to it because of my own delusions.  But that being said,  I need to get this out.

I feel so lonely today.  I think that all of my friends who I have introduced Eric to end up liking him better than me. Probably because he hangs out with them more, but the only reason he does so is to get free weed.  Dont they see that he is using them?

I dont like how sneaky he is about it too. Today I caught him taking the truck.  He was obviously not planning on telling me about it.  But when I caught him he said he was helping G and S move.

Now when they moved the last time, I offered to help them, but I never got a response.  I try to set something up to hang out with them every month or so, but they are always difficult to communicate with.  And they will never come down here, so it relies on the fact that I have to have both the time, be in alamosa already, and have extra gas money.  And that ive been able to check it out with them to see if they are home.  The times I have been able to come over, I havent gotten a response from them. Well, whatever, that in itself doesnt tear me up, I just say “oh well, ill see them when i see them” and move on.

What bugs me is that a couple weeks ago I finally heard back from them.  They said they wanted to chill, havent seen me in forever, but they see Eric all the time.  wait.. what?

They do??  I was trying so hard to coordinate with Eric also because i wanted to include him.  In fact, i always try to include him whenever I go to hang out with someone.  And in EVERYTHING i do! I included him into my dream, asking for his input and wanting to inspire him. I moved to colorado and bought land, and including him by seeing if he wanted to come out for the summer, and now he lives here.  I included him in didgeridoo.  I wanted to take the Radio class, but I was trying to coordinate it with him because I thought he would also be interested and it would be fun to have a radio show together.  I always always try to include him in every venture I do because I want him to feel included, welcomed, inspired, and so on.  I like to share things with him.

But I am realizing that I am too generous.  I need to stop doing that.  Every time I do that, I feel like he takes over and “steals” it from me.  He signed up for radio without me.  I was known as the “didgeridoo girl” until  he started playing didg more prominantly around people.  He moved out to Colorado and pushed in on my dream of living off the land.  I shared my website with him and gave him tips for his own, and then he ended up getting someone else to make him a website which he plans to have finished and better done before mine.  I go out of my way to meet people and make connections, and then I try to introduce my brother to be polite and because I want him to have friends too.  But then he ends up hanging out with them alone all the time and I end up getting ditched. He takes ideas that I share with him, theories, art, writings, photography, all things I have created or thought of myself, and he posts them as his own on his facebook page. I share those things with him because I enjoy sharing that with him.  I like getting his input and feedback and I like having theoretical discussions with him.  But recently (as in the past 2 years or so) Ive begun to feel like its a race to get to facebook after we talk about anything because if I dont post my thoughts first, then he will post them as if they were his own on his.

I buy things for the house – dishes, furniture, entertainment stuff, and he uses it without asking which is no big deal in itself except then he abuses it.  He has broken or lost all of my plastic cups that I bought for myself for a specific purpose.  He has made no mention of it and no effort to replace them. He made a big stink about wanting a DVD player so that the video game consoles dont wear out their lasers.  So I bought one.  For us both to use, but I would have never bought it if he hadnt made such a stink. When it came I presented it to him proudly, happy that I could make him happy.  He did not even thank me once.

I use my own food and money to make food from scratch.  Often I share it with him.  I like to let him try stuff I make.  He eats it happily… and then yells at me for not finishing cleaning up.  I did the work to make it, I spent the money to make it, I fed you for free, I did 75% of the cleaning, and you dont even offer to help?  Instead you have the audacity to give me shit over 1 pan not washed?  Just fucking wash it yourself!

I just gave Eric my last $10 to help him get gas to go to work.  Except he just quit one of his jobs, and got a new one, but in less than a week he is talking about quitting that one too.  And now he has enough money to buy pizza every day and to take the truck up to Blanca to help people move?  Where did that come from? And he now has the money to get his medicinal marijuana card? wtf..  I want my $10 back!

The lesson I have to learn from this is that I need to be selfish.  I hate being that way and I really want to share things and experiences with my brother.  But I cant handle this anymore.  It hurts horribly and I feel so depressed and jealous all the time around him.

From now on, I will make an effort to keep things to myself.  If I buy things for the house I will put my name on them and make it clear they are for my use only.  If he asks to borrow them he can use them, but he needs to return them in same or better condition.  When I make new friends I will introduce my brother only if he is standing right there.  But I will not make an effort to invite him to come hang out with us.  I will do what I want.  I will do things without including him.  I will go on hikes when I want to go on hikes.  I will work on the land and make my dreams happen.  I will not include him unless I need his help for a specific thing. I will spend time with my boyfriend and enjoy his company doing things together.

Ugh, I hate this! Its not who I am.. but what choice do I have.  Talking about it with him does not help, it only makes things worse.

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About voide

i am a : goth / punk / metalhead / hippie / anarchist / tribalist / wanderer / loner / empath / dreamer / idealist / nerd / dork / packrat / night owl / artist / weirdo / writer / survivor / discordian / gemini / farmer / scavenger / medicine woman / environmentalist / activist / explorer, and so on. i dare you to try and label me into any one category ;)
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5 Responses to on becoming more selfish

  1. Whitney says:

    I can relate to so very much of this.

    My sister and I tried living together and it was a disaster. I’ve also experienced the friend situation, where she “steals” my friends and it seems everyone likes her better than me–my whole life. It’s gotten better in the past few years since we’ve lived farther apart.

    I do think it is important to take care of yourself to the degree that you can without compromising who you are. I’ve been working on this since the start of 2010 and have made progress but still have a long way to go.

    For the record, I like you best. 😉

    • voide says:

      Im really glad someone relates!! I feel so alone with this issue, and it is so messy to define how much of it is my own issues vs. how much my brother contributes to it. Living apart from my brother definitely helps a lot. While I feel spurts of jealousy for him through my whole life, its generally pretty easy to let it go and move on. But living together I feel like it is constant and I have to really push to have my own space and freedom to be myself and be separate from him. Do you have any tips of ways to work on this if living apart is not possible at the moment?

  2. Whitney says:

    I’m the younger one.

    Hmmm.

    I’m going to have to think on this. I don’t know how to make it easier, aside from not living together and leading more separate lives. I was always “J’s sister” (or “K’s mom” with my mom). I feel I grew up in a shadow and it lasted until I was 30. Now I’m Whitney in my own right, and J is actually known to some people as my sister. We were too intertwined and dependent (co-dependent?) and while we didn’t plan to un-mesh so much, it was a good thing for us, and gave us more to talk about!

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