Dad’s Visit

A couple days after Ben left, we met Dad and his girlfriend Moira down in Taos (~1hr drive) for my birthday. Dad got us rooms at a really nice hotel, it was fabulous. Lots of courtyards. We sat under a tree and they gave me some presents. It wasn’t too much, a few books and Moira gave me a nice long set of Tibetan flags. I was happy tho, and grateful. We went to the bar after and I had a couple frozen margaritas, and got a bit buzzed off them because I never drink. The bartender seemed irritated by us, Im sure Eric lifting up the mats and poking around like a health inspector didn’t help. It was fun tho and we had an amazing dinner at a place I found online called the Love Apple. Yeah weird name, but all organic, local food – super gourmet. It was incredible. I cant even remember what I had tho, but I do remember the blue cornbread we got as an appetizer with honey butter. Sweet mother of Godzilla, it was good.

We also went to the Millicent Rogers Native American art collection museum. She was this rich white lady, looking out of Hollywood, who somehow befriended local Indians and mexicanos in the Taos area and collected mass amounts of art and jewelry. It was really quite an interesting exhibit.

The next morning we set off on our overnight rafting trip with Los Rios River Runners down the Rio Grande. Our guide was Eli, in his early 30s but the weather had scorched him to 45. He was awesome tho, really knew what he was doing. I felt safe with him as our guide even when he took us the harder routes over the rapids that no other guide was attempting. He even took us “surfing” which is when you lodge the raft in an undercurrent of sorts, keeping it trapped between waves. The water rushed in and filled the boat in seconds, and I was swimming because it was so deep. Literally out of the boat, but I held on and stayed in when we pulled ourselves out. We saw a inlet leading upstream off the main route and went to check it out because we saw fish flapping and jumping all over the place. There were these large fish that seemed to be spawning. We camped overnight in Orilla Verde I believe it was called, a developed campground but it was nice enough. Eli cooked us up a feast on the grill, way more fancy than we had expected. It was delicious. Robert drove the van and met us at camp, hes was like the assistant. He had just started on there with the company, and was around my age.

He was a little off, but I liked him well enough. I made a few jokes about me being fat, and he took me aside and told me to stop, that it wasn’t funny and was a sort of defense mechanism. I suppose hes right. I was surprised that a stranger would be so straightforward about that with me. And otherwise, he seemed to be slightly flirty with me, and I liked the attention, but it made me a little uncomfortable – enough so that when I was alone in my tent, the paranoia accentuated by the bowls we had just smoked (when dad and moira fell asleep, eli asked if we smoked and smoked us down with some weed and hash on the dark path down the hill while his 9 year old son tended the fire at camp and played his PSP). Anyways, the paranoia, and my rain fly I had attached halfway to make it easy to put on in the middle of the night, but it made it sag on one side and when the wind blew it really looked like someone as pushing up against my tent. I could hear footsteps outside as Robert and Eli cleaned up and set up their tents nearby. I was terrified that Robert was going to rape me. He got way drunker than he should have, especially since he was working, but he was new to the job and I think both him and Eli were excited to have me and Eric along, some chill people who they could have fun with instead of just work as guides as they do with most tourists.

The next day was shorter on the water, and Eli’s son came along, and he was really funny and witty. And right on point too – his first response when you asked him a question would be a perfect joke, he didn’t even have to think about it. Kids are cool. The rafting trip overall was pretty fun, but I didn’t really get the adrenaline rush I was looking for that we got in Costa rica. Still was a great experience tho.

Dad took moira to Albuquerque airport that night, and we came back up to Antonito. Dad came and met us up here the next day. It started off fine enough, but that evening we went up to Walmart so dad could buy Eric some stuff. It set off my jealousy trigger hardcore. I mean sure whatever I don’t care if he buys stuff for eric but it was my bday weekend and here he was spending more on gifts for eric than he had for me. If he hadn’t had done that, I would have been perfectly content with a few books for my bday but as soon as he starts buying shit for eric then I feel like a competition and like im loved less. Hes always riding my ass about getting a job, when Im the one who was working for years while Eric did nothing. Oh, he worked a total of about 2 weeks.

I feel like Im always the one outcasted and picked on while Eric gets babied. And, my overall anger about Eric stealing my dreams.. latching on to whatever im passionate about and then surpassing me at it, and then he turns around and treats me like (and calls me) an idiot, and at the same time hes the one getting credit and attention for it. It makes me feel hopeless and like I have nothing unique, nothing special about me. Everyones always noticing and caring about what Eric does, and Im always wandering around backstage where no one appreciates me. Whats most troubling about this now for me is that this dream, the land, the house, all of it.. took me years and years to find, I felt so lost before I figured this is what I could do and be passionate about. I went to college to learn about this shit. And I need an extra hand and wanted some outside opinions, so of course I turned to the one person I knew who might be willing – my brother.

And then within a few months, its already somehow been determined that this is his dream too, that we are building this house to share for life, , that he gets to control everything and dictate how and when we do stuff. And its not fair, because he is here ive become limited instead of freed, stifled instead of creative, isolated and depressed when I should be finding my true potential and confidence and peace.

All I can think now is this is ultimately just another lesson, its bringing up so much shit.

Well, for like 2 days I sank into a deep depression over that while dad was here. I was cheered up pretty quickly when he bought me a bike at walmart. Now that sounds really superficial I know but ultimately its not about the bike. Or money or buying stuff. Its that I felt I was being treated unfairly and unequally, that everyone loved eric more and were willing to do more for him while casting me aside. I do feel bad tho because I kinda ruined his time here for those 2 days. I do know I was acting like a child but emotionally that’s where I was. I feel overlooked a lot in that people don’t take my mental illness very seriously and think I can simply just “get over it and grow up” and its just not that easy.

We took Dad up to Creede, which was kickass. It was my first time there too. We explored around, found the Rio Grande Headwaters because now Eric (and I also somewhat) have become quite determined to try and raft (or hike when necessary) down the entire length of the Rio Grande River, from headwaters in Creede to the Gulf of Mexico. We went to the mining museum, which was.. very bad lol. It was really boring. The audio tour went on and on and on. It would only be interesting if you were fascinated with every detail of mining, like a savant or something. We drove up the Bachelor Loop a ways, not too far just a couple miles, and shuffled around in the debris and dust searching for geodes and amethyst. Then we went to a place I found online that said there were loads of fossils to be found right off the side of the main road into town. We saw a pulloff and stopped there and were digging around in a small section of the loose layered rock. Didn’t see any fossils tho. We walked around a bit trying to find the motherload and on the way back realized we had been exploring a giant leach field from the water treatment plant, which would explain the odd smell. We had run out of time but as we got back in the car we saw some people on the other side of the street filling 5 gallon buckets with rock. Lutringer luck of course. We explored shit fields, while the fossils sat 30 feet away on the other side of the road. We ate dinner across the street from the Creede Repertory Theater where we went to see “A Wonderful Noise.” It was about a barbershop quartet competition and a group of girls wanting to enter the males-only competition. Of course there were all kinds of subplots, and it was really quite a funny and entertaining show. It did make me feel like back in the old days, when without tv and movies and games, you had books, dominoes, and plays. It was fun to watch and I didn’t mind watching that instead of a movie in the slightest.

We went exploring in the Pinon Hills, east of Antonito and a few miles south of Manassa. We were trying to find the Emory Orr spring which we had seen on the map but had no idea if it was a hot spring or a small pond or what. We used Google Maps to try and figure out a route, and we drove the Explorer up an insane back road. I mean this was like definitely a Jeep road. The explorer is a truck.. well. SUVish.. but it was too hard on it and we popped a tire. This is real backcountry where very few people go. Tourists especially would never come here, would have no way of knowing it existed. Locals come here by chance out of boredom and to bury bodies lol. We had a great time exploring and hiking up John James canyon tho.

We also took a beautiful drive on a cloudy day up to Platoro and back around the long way through Alamosa Canyon.  A few pics of the trip below:

Eric scanned in some old pics from when we were kids with dad and I put them together in photoshop to make a collage for Dad for fathers day and printed it on my brand new large format photo printer. Dad ended up loosing it tho while he was travelling back to NY lol.

Dad kept pushing me to get a job even tho I had just lost my old job a couple weeks before and eric hasn’t worked in how long? Well, I saw an ad in Stefans restaurant for the inn next door and I went and applied and got the job right away. Doing hotel laundry. I started a couple days after Dad left, and only managed to keep it for about 3 days lol. My shortest job ever. It was god awful. It was surprisingly strenuous to be on your feet all day folding laundry, id even break a sweat. Id go in at 8:30am, and be out at about 4pm. But I didn’t get ANY breaks at all. By about 1pm my blood sugar would drop horribly and Id start feeling really bad. By the time I got out at 4 I felt absolutely dreadful. The pay was really weak, about $4/hr it came out to. And no days off at all. There was no way I could keep it up. No time for the land at all, and with how awful I was feeling .. really not worth it.

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About voide

i am a : goth / punk / metalhead / hippie / anarchist / tribalist / wanderer / loner / empath / dreamer / idealist / nerd / dork / packrat / night owl / artist / weirdo / writer / survivor / discordian / gemini / farmer / scavenger / medicine woman / environmentalist / activist / explorer, and so on. i dare you to try and label me into any one category ;)
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