I dunno how much more ill last. I keep tryin to convince myself to just ignore it and get through it but every day I think about dying.
I just saw a shooting star and the first wish that came to my head before I even thought about it was death. I got it bad. It should have been for happiness, peace, and love.
I need my brother to get the hell out of my dream. I don’t want his help anymore. I don’t want to share a house with him. Even if he leaves after 2012, he will still have all the credit and everyone will only care about him. I don’t want his ideas anymore. I don’t want him to post anything on facebook.
They only buy tickets for him to visit. Never for me.
The jealousy is too much. Its all too much. I don’t want my dream anymore.
Anthony doesn’t love me. No one really loves me.
Im sick of living like this and im sick of playing the victim.
Im sick of my pathetic self.
I cry every day. The pain is unbearable. Im so fucking alone.
I think when my brother leaves this time ill either kill myself or not pick him up at the airport. If I decide on the latter tho, Ill feel so bad. Its almost easier to kill myself. All It takes is one breath, one step and its over. It sounds so nice. All I need is a little impulse and I can do it. Is it worth it? Life is so beautiful and amazing. But I don’t think its for me.
I could also tell my brother im not picking him up. Once hes there.
But then he might arrange for a bus or something. Fuck even if I simply don’t show up eventually he will find a way back here cuz Dad will do some shit for him get him a bus or something.
So I can disappear completely and try to live off somewhere else, a new life. How? No money. maybe a hermit in the woods. Or jail works too. Tho to get a good long sentence Id have to do something to harm someone and I don’t wanna do that. I could pawn all my shit, bring the essentials in my car, one set of dishes, pazu, my computer. I could run away. Where? Probably anyone from desisto would take me in but I mean what the hell would I do with my life. I finally got it figured out then it got stolen from me. I could buy a one way plane ticket to a random country. Im scared of regretting losing what I have, Im so lucky for all this but yet.. Its not what I want because of one major thing. Eric taking it over. I have about a week to decide what I want to do, and do it.
Or I could just die. Its so much easier. Just close my eyes and take a step and then surrender. That’s it. Thinking about actually doing it is peaceful in a way. Its sad, I don’t want to give everything up. But its such a relief. Just drifting along the placid surface of eternity.