Long Long Ways to Catch Up

The benefits to posting often Ive realized is that I don’t ever feel the need to do this – write 10 pages trying to catch up the last 2-3 months. Im going to make more of an effort to post more often. (note: this post itself I have had saved on my computer waiting to finish up for like 2 weeks loool)

July 3

Im reeking of paranoia.

Lets start with today. Today I feel: nervous, lots of small panic attacks. Sick, throat hurts, head hurts, chest congestion, very very tired. Sleep has been sorta messed up. Sorta Not. Its just been a little wacky last few days. Apparently as of July 1, Uranus is in retrograde.

Things seem to be starting to look up with Anthony. We are still very far from being back together and happy, but.. now every morning, I call him once or twice, he doesn’t answer. But usually about 20 mins later, he calls back. Its quick, less than a minute or two. He’s off to school and I don’t really know what we could say to each other at this point on the phone anyways. But, we tell each other we love each other, and that’s it. That’s about all we talk all day lately, but its been consistent for the last 4 days or so, and its way better than him just ignoring me all the time.

So yeah, about a week ago, I broke up with him. Oh, and about 6 weeks before that.. We got back together. I might as well tell this story from the beginning, which is really about 5 years in from the REAL beginning. But, suddenly he became very warm, wanted to talk to me all the time, and just very loving. He spent some time earning my trust, convincing me he had changed himself for the better and was willing to commit to me finally. He was clear, confident, honest, attentive, loving, gentle, open minded, trusting, funny. I felt I could really be myself around him and he was exactly what I wanted in a soulmate. I was wary tho, because hes fooled me before. I made him keep it up for a good month before I was willing to even try getting back together with him, and even after that I was still wary and it was taking time. He kept it up tho.

I moved to his FFXI server – Gilgamesh – and we started playing together there. I knew that before, he had a girl who was in love with him on there but he told me he cut it off with her. He didn’t want to tell me her name because he didn’t want to make any drama about it. This was hard to accept but I understood his reasoning and accepted it.

July 15

Picking up where I left off. Brief version because I keep procrastinating this. We were having fun on FFXi together for a week or so. Then I went rafting – more on this in a sec – and when I got back we were a little distant. On FFXI, a girl started asking me about him.. so I assumed it was the girl from before. I got to talking to her and she said that they were dating currently, and that she thought Anthony was a lesbian chick. So.. wow. Sometimes I wonder if he is gay, now I wonder maybe if hes transgendered and wont even admit it to himself. I confronted Anthony about it and he said that she was crazy and just makin shit up. He said he never told her he was a guy but they weren’t together at all. I was wary but gave him the benefit of the doubt but he quit FFXI a couple days later.. without even telling me. He got more and more distant over the next few days until he was flat out ignoring me again. I tried a few different tactics of trying to amend the situation but nothing helped. So I broke up with him after 2 weeks or so of that because I refuse to go through that again. He claims he is so distant because his parents are fighting a lot right now and hes trapped in the middle. That I can understand but I don’t understand why that would make you completely ignore the one person who loves you unconditionally. He went back to WoW apparently and has no problem talking to all his friends over there. So I dunno. Sometimes it seems like we make a little progress, but then nothing. Im not sure if this is worth waiting out or not. He always does this shit to me..

I was so hurt and upset about it for a while, but the last couple days ive been ok somehow.

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About voide

i am a : goth / punk / metalhead / hippie / anarchist / tribalist / wanderer / loner / empath / dreamer / idealist / nerd / dork / packrat / night owl / artist / weirdo / writer / survivor / discordian / gemini / farmer / scavenger / medicine woman / environmentalist / activist / explorer, and so on. i dare you to try and label me into any one category ;)
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