Im 2 years and 6 months older than my brother. Hes always followed in my
footsteps. It’s frustrating because in the end I feel like he’s stolen
my dreams and talents and I have nothing unique left about me. He ends
up with all the credit for everything I’ve started. Furthermore, he
treats me like I’m an idiot who can’t figure anything out by myself,
after I’ve taught him everything he knows, and for years I’ve done just
fine by myself until he came out here. (Example – he was treating me
like its my fault the truck got stuck in the mud, like I was some kind
of idiot who didnt know how to drive, but it was bound to happen
regardless because the road was so bad. A few days after you left he
himself got stuck even worse than I did and we ripped through 12 inches
of the metal frame of the truck trying to get out). Well sorry, I had
to rant that out; relating from the other side of the sibling dilemma.
Now back to the program.
I can tell you definitely have (oh the dreaded word) potential.
You ARE very intelligent. Trying to figure yourself out tho can be a
hell of a problem. I was alot like you sunk into all sorts of drugs,
had a heroin problem when I was 14, and didnt see any life for myself
outside of that world. After a time, the drugs began to lose their
appeal and I was left with a big ol empty pit of tar, feeling
completely lost. Everyone else had stuff they were good at, passionate
about, dreams and careers and all this shit and i was stuck in my 6th
year of college groping about with nada.
So.. I just reverted to being 4. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a
hermit. And a cowboy and/or indian (for some reason in my childhood
fantasy worlds I was never a female *shrug*).
Think about what you wanted to do when you grew up as a kid. Aside
from, or perhaps even related to, your brothers influence. Sure every
kid wants to be an astronaut, but try just brainstorming a bit. What
was the most recurring dream or goal? What are the qualities or traits
that make up that path? It doesnt have to be a job even per se. Who
were your idols?
Just from knowing you this short time Id picture you
enjoying something like engineering. I could see you inventing and
designing the next wave of green technologies. You should read this
book Gaviotas. Its a true tale about a small village in Columbia, in an
area full of murder, drug cartels, depleted rainforest, poisoned water.
And these people, with no money, nothing.. get together and create a
peaceful, sustainable commune-like but without all the hippy fuzz,
community. They engineer and build ways to pump and clean water, using
only what they have available. And a bunch of other technologies. Its
really amazing. And they transform this barren patch of hopeless earth
and broken dreams into a place of art, music, love, equality, safety,
and replenish the rainforest back to what it should have been.
Anyways.. wow this is a long ass comment lmao. Just an idea tho, I
could see you eventually really getting into something like that.
Think about what makes drugs appeal to you so much. Is it expanding your
mind? New experiences? To cover up your own pain and emptiness?
Chemistry? If for example, consciousness expansion interests you.. Look
into other methods like Buddhism, meditation, astral projection. Try to
root out the core of everything and anything that intrigues you. Then
you can piece together those components into something non-self
destructive that you are passionate about.
I too struggle with making conversation, as you probably could tell. Im a much better writer than
I am talker, which is why Ive said more to you in this comment than I
did out loud over a few weeks. It used to give me excessive anxiety,
always feeling awkward and out of place and not knowing how to make
conversation unless prompted by someone else. But you know what, FUCK
IT! Its your life, you are who you are. You dont have to say anything
at all if you dont want to. If all you can come up with is shit from
your past, then create a present and a possible future for yourself.
Try to teach yourself to see the miracle in everything. Life is
incredible. The intricacies in the petal of a flower, to lose yourself
in that is beyond what acid can do for you. There are zillions of shoes
to try on, zillions of perspectives, roles to play, experiences from
both this side, and the other sides of the story…
Finding your own story is the hardest part, but as soon as you start
seeking, those zillions all come rushing in.